Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Emergency Measures

Note: From time to time I post stuff I didn't have anything to do with, but that I find funny. (If you know the source, let me know so I can give proper credit.)

The U.S. government has a website that's another attempt at scare-mongering in the style of the old "duck and cover" advice after WWII. The fun thing is that these pictures are so ambiguous they could mean anything! Here are a few interpretations:

man-on-fire If you have set yourself on fire, do not run.
 
terrorism If you spot terrorism, blow your anti-terrorism whistle. If you are Vin Diesel, yell really loud.
 
arrow If you spot a terrorist arrow, pin it against the wall with your shoulder.
 
sprayed If you are sprayed with an unknown substance, stand and think about it instead of seeing a doctor.
 
flashlight Use your flashlight to lift the walls right off of you!
 
wash-hands The proper way to eliminate smallpox is to wash with soap, water and at least one(1) armless hand.
 
michael-jackson Michael Jackson is a terrorist. If you spot this smooth criminal with dead, dead eyes, run the fuck away.
 
fish Hurricanes, animal corpses and the biohazard symbol have a lot in common. Think about it.
 
pinkeye Be on the lookout for terrorists with pinkeye and leprosy. Also, they tend to rub their hands together manically.
 
karate If a door is closed, karate chop it open.
 
blowjob If your building collapses, give yourself a blow job while waiting to be rescued.
 
radiation Try to absorb as much of the radiation as possible with your groin region. After 5 minutes and 12 seconds, however, you may become sterile.
 
too-big After exposure to radiation it is important to consider that you may have mutated to gigantic dimensions: watch your head.
 
deformed-hand If you've become a radiation mutant with a deformed hand, remember to close the window. No one wants to see that shit.
 
radio If you hear the Backstreet Boys, Michael Bolton or Yanni on the radio, cower in the corner or run like hell.
 
respiratory If your lungs and stomach start talking, stand with your arms akimbo until they stop.
 
rubble If you are trapped under falling debris, conserve oxygen by not farting.
 
contact-lens If you lose a contact lens during a chemical attack, do not stop to look for it.
 
powerline Do not drive a station wagon if a power pole is protruding from the hood.
 
door-radiation A one-inch thick piece of plywood should be sufficient protection against radiation.
 
apple-can Always remember to carry food with you during a terrorist attack. At least you'll be able to enjoy a nice coke and apple before you die.
 

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