Title Bout

A basic rule of essay writing is to come up with the title first and then write the piece. (At least I think that was a basic rule in the composition course I took in college, but frankly, given my youth and pretty much constant state of, er, medication, the whole course could have been about heavy earth-moving equipment, for all I know.)

Meanwhile, there's a basic rule of modern life: we're all way too busy. (None of us needs a college course to figure out that one. Just try taking a nap and see what happens.)

Combining these two basic rules, I can save both you and me precious time by writing just titles, with short synopses of what the articles would be about if I actually bothered to write them. (Think how much time we'd save if all we did was look at the pictures in Penthouse, too. Okay, bad example.)

Author's Note to the Hapless Reader: This essay is never really finished; I'll think of another title from time to time - usually at 3 AM - and stick it in. If you subscribe to this blog, you probably won't be notified of changes, so to preserve world peace, or at least along the 38th parallel, bookmark the thing - here's the direct link - and return often. Better yet, if you are completely insane, make it your home page so every morning you can scan it for changes.

Author's Note to the Aspiring Writer: This essay is an example of what we professionals call "a steaming pile of excrement" - I know, jargon can be tough to follow sometimes - or, as they call it in Hollywood, "comedy gold." This is very advanced stuff; do not attempt without the guidance of a qualified specialist - someone we professionals call a "hack."

Here goes ...

CONFINED TO QUARTERS. We all know that the penny is too expensive to produce and is in danger of being eliminated. It turns out the same fate awaits the nickel and dime, too ...

WRITERS BLOCK. In yet another last-ditch effort to survive, the city of Flint, Michigan - inspired by storied artist colonies like Laguna Beach, California - is trying to attract authors by constructing a special apartment complex ...

BLIND FAITH. Of all the colorful street people I've met along the way -  One Nut Johnny, No Pants Eddie, Screw Loose Bonnie - the one that sticks in my mind is a sightless but religious woman who goes by the sobriquet ...

ONE-ARMED BANDIT. Another of my favorite street people was a small-time thief who lost a limb as a child ...

KITCHEN SINK. When we bought our dream house, little did we know that the soil under the cooking appliances wouldn't support their weight ...

DUCK AND COVER. A grandmother in Tennessee has combined her loves of quilting and all things anatine ...

TRASH TALK. A radio station in a small Texas community is turning detritus into dollars with a weekly feature about the local sanitation company ...

CHANGING THE CHANNEL. Leave it to the British, those ambitious chaps, to try to alter the course of the famous body of water that separates them from France ...

PETTY THEFT. When the NASCAR champion arrived home one night, he was shocked to find ...

A DATE WITH DESTINY. A night on the town with Beyoncé, Kelly and Michelle is anything but dull ...

I just hope Readers Digest doesn't get wind of this or we'll all be out of business.